Thursday, February 25, 2010

Smash the clock that's ticking.

...because I'm drinking Black Russians. Not my usual drink. Funny. Why? Well, I had a hankrin' for something sweet and dark.

I played a long set at Toad, which I thought was one of my best. The weather's been really strange these days. If you didn't believe in global warming a couple years ago, I bet you do now. Cuz' it's just damn weird. Snow in Texas and Georgia. Torrential downpours in Boston. Lively stuff. The stuff of dreams. If you're talkin' the dreams of the frustrated. The dreams of those who think a lot, work a lot, and live hard, just a little, against their will.

I'm gonna miss this place. I'm going to move to Austin and be super lonely, all over again. Probably write a lot. That's good. It's hard to write or get anything done when you're working three jobs. That question arises once again: How did this happen?

"Dammit I miss you. I know you aren't in love with me anymore, but I just have to tell you I miss you. because I do. And because you changed my life. You changed how I see things. I'm not bitter anymore. I don't feel so poisoned. You may feel sick of me right now. That breaks my heart. And it's such a trap because the more you try to fix things, the more fucked-up they become. But the truth is, if you came down here, without any kind of notice, I'd still be so happy to see you. You could stay. Figure things out. I love you."

Ain't it a shame?
The way we turn. The things we do to hurt ourselves?
Let's's 12:53am and I have to get up at 5am. I can't sleep. Too much going on. I want to rock. I'm all inspired these days. I'm in love and I feel like I'm dying. When you put those two feelings together, you end up in a different city, far away. He said "you're not paying attention". And he was right. I wasn't paying attention because I'm exhausted. Because I want so much more and can't figure out where it is or how to get it. I'm distracted by struggle. How unfortunate. And yet, so typical.

Sometimes I wonder...
How badly do we have to beat ourselves up before we cut ourselves some slack? Jeeze. I'm so busy beating myself up right now...can I get back to you on that?

I'm sitting there, whacking away on this instrument that I can't even hear, having fun, and at the same time, feeling completely doomed because I thought things were coming together just fine. I thought that everything would be okay. I do feel that way. Except the equation has changed. I have this bad habit of assuming things will turn out a certain way. It's stupid. It's dangerous. It's painful. It's not fair to the other person to put such expectations on them or on the relationship. Yet, it happens all the time.

You know something? You may feel I haven't been paying attention, but I have. I see what you can do. I know you're capable of more. I don't want you to do more for me. I just want you to do more because I know you can. And when you do it, you're gonna blow your own mind, and everyone else's. You can sink down into some pit because your day job is sucking the life out of you. But it's not gonna kill you. You're gonna be alright. You're gonna plug-in, turn-up, and you're gonna rock. And when you do, I'm gonna smile a big, sick smile. I'm gonna be proud. I'm gonna want to fuck your brains out (I wanna fuck your brains out anyway). I'll want to, MAYBE, have your children. Or at least help you put out your first live record. Whatever. Point is, life feels fucking hard right now. I miss you. And I realize I fucked up. I fucked up because I dream big; without preparation or guidance.

In my heart of hearts I believe things can truly be good.
I just wanted to do it all with you.
That's all.

Whether you like it or not,
I love you.
And when you're all done being stubborn and cold,
I'll be right here.

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