Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Stingers, poison arrows, and magic bullets.

Try to get centered. Try to get off the ego trip. I'm trying.

It's difficult being in any kind of relationship when both people have extraordinarily large egos. Going in circles, accusing each other of being selfish. I talk too much, but mostly when I feel exceptionally insecure or like I'm about to lose something dear to me. It's difficult to get to know someone when the personality they show online is so different from their true personality, or the one you witness when face to face. It's frustrating when someone says they don't want you out of their life, but at the same time they seem to want nothing to do with you. "You can't have it both ways." Lately I've been accused of being overbearing, dramatic, and emotionally manipulative. It's frustrating when the accusation comes from someone who used to call and text me several times a day. It feels a little unfair when the accusations come from those who feel the need to constantly, publicly announce, online, their health problems, jabs that "aren't to be taken literally", or how miserable they are at their job, or how much they hate this, that, or the other thing until they get their thread of sympathetic responses. It has always seemed to me that many people do this solely for attention, validation, or out of insecurity. Anyone could deny it and say that they don't need to do that to feel validated, or they don't need the attention, but if that was the case they wouldn't feel the need to post such things online in the first place. I'm to the point where I am trying to avoid social networking websites more and more. It's tricky since they have become such a promotional tool for artists. But they have caused more harm to me and my relationships than anything else. Things felt so much simpler, solid, and real, before the web.

I wonder if I'm just really out of touch. I look around me, and people seem to be getting on just fine, texting, avoiding calls, posting inane bullshit on their Facebook walls, etc etc. Meanwhile I feel like an alien. I feel as if I just don't get it at all. I have friends here but I never actually hear from them. I only get to read about the food they ate, where they drank, how much they hate their jobs, or their politics. Not that there's anything wrong with that. It's just that it would be far more interesting to actually be conversing with them, sitting at a table together, drinking beer or something along those lines. ...but maybe that's where I'm wrong. Maybe these days most people prefer detachment. I don't know. All I know is that the more "connected" I get the more alone I feel.

As I get older I realize what a lousy upbringing I had. Sure I had lots of flashy material bullshit as a kid, but what I learned from mom and dad is that no one can be trusted, not even them. How can one have a stable relationship that allows both people the proper amount of trust, security and personal freedom when you're used to seeing your folks constantly fucking each other over, fighting, cheating, emotional manipulation, lies? It makes me think of the phrase "born to lose". Don't get me wrong. I love my folks, but the choices they have made are showing their true colors to me now, in my life, in my relationships. As much as I try to take responsibility for my actions I can't help wondering why I continue to go about things the way I do. I'm swimming upstream, trying to get out of the murky, dangerous waters for good. But how do you do that when you're a thrill seeker?

Relocation may not be a magic bullet, but it's the best idea I've come up with so far. I'm getting rid of everything except my cat, my music and recording gear, favorite cookware, and some clothes. I already got rid of several photo albums. I'm tired of holding onto the past. Exhausted actually. I'm also trying to let go of the guy. The guy who used to claim that he loves me but is sick of me now. I've been down this road before. I know that nothing good comes of my clinging and pushing to make it work. It only makes things worse. He will end up hating me. And I end up ashamed, humiliated, wondering who's right and who's wrong, when there's no point to it. Especially when our egos are cocked and loaded. I'm not crazy. I just have some very bad patterns. I'm trying to get a grip and let go at the same time. Gotta let go of everything: this place, my life here, my past, AND my future. I just need to be right the fuck here, in this moment, strong in the solitude, unafraid, open, breathing. No more self-sabotage. No more hurting people. No more regrets. No more big expectations.

I don't know why I write this stuff. I can't write for shit....unless I'm playing my bass.

No comments:

Post a Comment